


breaking point

by happymedium



Category: Orphan Black
Genre: AU, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 15:06:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1554656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happymedium/pseuds/happymedium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"she's not coping."</p>
            </blockquote>





	breaking point

**Author's Note:**

> I'm travelling at the moment and haven't seen the new season yet BUT I really love Alison she's my absolute favourite clone and yeah, I just wanted to write something. This might not follow the show, and I have no idea what it even is, but still, I hope you can enjoy.

i.

She's not coping.

When she wakes up and looks across the yard, all she sees is police tape strewn across Ainsley's door and the cars parked out front with their flashing lights; she hears the ambulance sirens clear as ever in her ears, and then she has to shut the drapes before it all gets too much.

When she's brewing her morning coffee all she can think about is lunchtime, and the wine that accompanies it. Although it doesn't so much accompany it, these days, as it does replacing it completely. If Donny has noticed their wine rack quickly emptying, he either doesn't think anything of it, or he doesn't care.

It's odd she thinks, how incredibly.. normally, life continues. Donny stands at the breakfast counter fixing breakfast, while the children move in and out of the kitchen, calling and playing with each other as they get ready for school. While Alison stands at the window, lost in her own mind.

Could she go to prison? It wasn't her who killed Ainsley, but then again, she didn't do anything to stop it from happening. She can't even imagine what Sarah would say about it, if she told her. Or Cosima. They might be "sisters" now but really, they hardly know one another from Eve.

Beth would know what to do, Beth she could trust. Although what good is that now? 

"Alison, honey c'mon, Gem's waiting for her vitamins," Donny tells her.

It's a temporary distraction, but one that reminds her that she has her own family, her children to think about. And what would happen to them.

Just like that, Gemma hops into the room with her hands folded in front of her and lolls out her to tongue, like a puppy. Alison hands her the vita-gummy instead, then wraps her arms around her daughter, holding her tight,

"Mooom," she giggles, "stop, you're choking me,"

Alison stills.

What has she done. 

ii.

Feeling the onsets of a panic attack coming on, she can think of no one else to call but Felix. She's sitting on the floor of the bathroom, breathing long and shaky breaths, ears ringing, her mind going in and out of focus. The front door must have been left unlocked, and for once she's glad about it when Felix whips into the bathroom and finds her curled up between the tub and the sink. There's no way she could have made it downstairs in her state.

"Oh shit Alison, are you alright?" He asks, voice laced with concern, "Christ,"

Felix tells her to breath, and walks her through it until finally she's calm and feels composed enough to climb to her feet. He helps her up, she's a little light headed but otherwise feels.. well, as normal as she can feel nowadays. Alison clings to him like a child.

"What happened?" He asks, sitting her on the edge of the tub and filling her a makeshift cup of water, using the toothbrush holder. There's toothpaste mould on the bottom, she can see, so she just holds it with both hands. Her hearts throbbing away in her chest, she can still hear it faintly in her ears,

"I'm a horrible person Felix," she admits shakily, "I've done a terrible thing,"

He shushes her with words of reassurance and urges her to drink the mouldy toothpaste water, she shakes her head, hands shaking,

"What's brought this on?" He asks, then straightens himself properly, "was it Ainsley? The stupid bitch,"

That's all it takes, and suddenly she's crying and grabbing at Felix's sweater just for something to hold onto. When she looks up he's looking at her with concern and look of mild terror, and then she just says "Ainsley's dead. And I killed her,"

To his credit, he doesn't pull away. His eyebrows shoot up, and his mouth parts a bit, but otherwise he stays the same. Before there's time for him to ask Alison's quick to react;

"Her scarf got caught in the garbage disposal," she spills, "I was there, I didn't do anything to stop it from happening. Oh god. Felix, I killed her,"

"Shhh, that's not your fault, you didn't do anything,"

"Exactly! I didn't do anything-"

"Alison, you can't blame yourself. It would have happened if you hadn't have been there. That was her fate,"

When she looks at him, he obviously doesn't believe in what he's saying. Still, "her fate?"

Felix nods, looking very much relieved. It was her fate. Maybe if she tells herself often enough, it'll be true.

It's already lightened the weight on her shoulders.

 

iii.

 

She almost doesn't go to the funeral, but she doesn't want to give the other moms anything else to talk about (even if she knows they'll talk about her anyway.)

The coffin is lowered into the ground, to the sound of her favourite hymn and muffled cries. 

It's hard to think of Ainsley as a woman who had a life when she wasn't monitoring her. They'd been friends for years, yes. And she had children, and a husband. How does she know for certain that they were genuine, though. That thought helps stop the onslaught of guilt, but she does let a few tears slip. 

Mainly to stop any questions being asked, but maybe also for the friend she thought she had.

 

iv.

The musical is keeping her busy, for now. If she's completely honest, she doesn't think about Ainsley all that often anymore. In fact, it's easier to pretend that she has moved away, like she'd planned. And if ever she does think about it, she's finding it a lot easier to rationalise.

Ainsley was her monitor; she was spying on her, reporting her every move to Dr. Leekie. And now she can't anymore. Alison can actually live in peace. And there's no proof Alison was even there at the time of Ainsley's death. Like Felix said, it was her fate.

When rehearsal ends, almost forty minutes early, she practically skips to the car. Waving goodbye to her new circle of.. acquaintances, the ones who don't know about her the way the other moms at school do. When she picks the kids up from school she stays inside her car now, but she can still see them stood in a circle talking, with indiscreet looks over.

Never mind, she can make new friends, she's perfectly capable.

She's just about reached the corner before the turn-in to her neighbourhood—she's actually singing along to the radio again—thinking about how maybe she should quickly pass by the market, pick some ingredients for dessert, when she sees him. It's Donnie, getting out of a sleek, black BMW in his sweat pants and his jogging shirt. She stops the car so suddenly, she almost bashes her head off of the steering wheel, when she recognises the man sitting in the view of the open backseat window by his crop of white hair shaved close to the skull. 

The car drives off in the other direction but Alison still sinks further down her seat, almost out of instinct. She watches it disappear, then looks for Donnie as he starts a slow jog back to the house as the realisation dawns on her.

Oh god. 

It wasn't Ainsley. 

***

 

Sarah finds her this time, asleep parked outside of Felix's loft. She knocks on the glass, hard enough that Alison jerks awake and slams her hand on the horn. When she sees that it's Sarah though, she heaves a large sigh of relief, then winds the window down hurriedly,

"Alison, what are you doin'?" she asks, sounding annoyed. Sarah always sounds annoyed, Alison thinks, even when she's not. 

"Felix wasn't home and I couldn't get in touch with him, or you... Or Cosima either, so I came here," Sarah reels back with a sour expression,

"'Jesus, Alison. 'Ave you been drinking?"

"I.. may have enjoyed a tipple at that.. charming little bar across the road, yes," she says, with a hiccup. Sarah grunts, "Right. Come on, get up,"

She opens the door and Alison falls out, quickly saved by Sarah who stops her from actually face planting the ground. She vaguely remembers walking up the stairwell, but next thing she knows they're inside Fe's apartment, sat on the couch in the almost dark. 

"Donny is my monitor," she says—slowly, making sure each word comes out if her mouth clearly— and feels Sarah looking at her, "I thought it was Ainsley. But now Ainsley's dead and she's not my monitor," her voice beginning to break, "Donny is."

For a moment Sarah doesn't reply, then finally Alison hears her sigh, "Shit, Alison,"

She swallows a sob and shakes her head. 

The lights go up, and Felix almost falls against the wall, "Jesus- Fucking hell, you scared the shit out me," he looks between them as he catches his breath; the anguish on Alison's face, the concern on Sarah's, "what's happened?"

"Donny's her monitor," Sarah says, when Alison can't formulate words,

"Shit," Felix says, and slumps down to the chair opposite.

***

She wakes up at 1am, wrapped in a blanket, her head throbbing and eyes burning;her phone buzzing against the coffee table. Donnie. The call goes unanswered, apparently like the other 12 times he's tried. And he's left just as many voicemails.

('Hey, I'm guessing rehearsals running long but I have squash at 9, remember? Okay, see you soon.'/'Alison, where are you? Call me when you get this, okay?'/'Alison I'm starting to worry, just.. let me know you're alright, call me back,')

She swallows against the lump in her throat. 'All okay. Had glass of wine after rehearsal, Gloria letting me stay at hers.' She taps back, and when he doesn't reply she finally falls back to sleep.

The next morning her hang over is much worse, but thoughtfully Felix doesn't throw open the curtains right away, making sure she's awake first. Sarah appears from.. somewhere and sits opposite her, offering a cup of tea, "what am I going to do?" Alison croaks, her throat dry and raspy, then takes a scolding sip of her drink.

"Does Donny know that you know?" Sarah asks, Alison shakes her head, "then you do nothing. Just bide your time, yeah? 'Til we work something out,"

"Bide my time?" Alison says, incredulous, "I'm sorry but I have two children with this man, how do I know that they're safe with him? Who knows what he's capable of!"

Sarah raises an eyebrow at that, "Alison, Paul is ex-military, Delphine is a scientist; out of all of our monitors, you've hardly got the short straw here," Sarah's right, of course. "And you've been married to the bloke for years, the kids will be fine. For all he knows, nothing's changed alright?"

"Fine," Alison agrees, "I'll bide my time. But I swear to god-"

"We'll figure something out, just- try and stay calm, yeah?"

Stay calm, Alison almost laughs, its easier said than done.

 

***

The kids are at school when Alison finally gets home, just after 10am. Donny is sat in the kitchen, but gets up quickly when he sees her, "Alison what the hell was that?"

"I went for drinks with the rest of the cast, and when I couldn't drive home Gloria let me stay in her guest room," she's proud of that lie, she'd perfected it on the drive over. Donny doesn't look impressed, so she levels him with a raised eyebrow, "am I not allowed a social life?"

He presses his lips together and frowns for a second, before saying, "next time maybe consider calling. The kids were wondering after you, I was worried sick."

Alison wants to scoff and say I bet you were. Instead she says, "Fine, next time I will. Sorry." Her apology isn't sincere, he must know it isn't, but still he moves in to hug her. Her body's fighting against her—wanting to cringe—but she wins against it, and even fakes a smile when he kisses her cheek.

If anything, this is a great acting exercise.

v.

"How long do I need to keep this up?" Alison hisses, checking behind her incase anyone can here. Donnie is out golfing, but still.

"Hang in there Alison, we're working on it,"

Alison shakes her head. Sarah has been preoccupied lately with news of Kira, which is to be expected of course, but there's not much more of this Alison can take. There's a bottle of half empty pills rattling around in the bottom of her purse to prove it.

"Never mind, it looks like I'm going to have to deal with this myself," she snipes, then ends the call before Sarah can say anything. It's as if Beth died, and Sarah replaced her immediately as Alison's go-to, but really, she's perfectly capable of solving her problems by herself. She was doing it long before she was a part of this freak show. 

Sarah doesn't call back, and she doesn't know if she's relieved or not.

 

vi.

 

The play finishes it's two week run, and she's finally ready to go ahead with her plan. Sarah messages her a 'keep me in the loop' text. And she will, once it's done.

She meets with a lawyer first, to talk about her options. They can split everything down the middle, that's fine. The only thing she really cares about is that she gets full custody of the children. Donnie can have weekends, but only with her approval. When she gets home, she sets the table for dinner, and when everything's set, she lays the documents on his empty plate, and pours herself a small glass of wine. (Liquid courage.)

The children are staying with her mother for the weekend, under the guise that mom and dad are having a couples weekend away. Then she'll take them to Disney Land, and afterwards break the news that their parents are divorcing. It's not a perfect plan, but it'll give her enough time and distance—and freedom—to organise herself. And them.

Donnie comes home and drops his briefcase by the door, like she hates, and slopes into the dining room. He finds her sat with her glass of wine opposite houses at at the head of the table, "Hello Donnie, sit down please,"

"What's all this?" He says, but otherwise does as he's told, sits in his chair and picks up the papers, "Alison?"

"Our marriage has run it's course," she says, a lot more confidently than she feels, 

"I thought we were trying to make this work," Donnie says back, clearly frustrated. 

"It's better to do this now, that way we're not dragging out the inevitable."

"Where are the kids?"

"They're sleeping over their friends house for the weekend," she lies, "to give you chance to move out. It'll be easier for them this way. I'll give you the night to pack, I expect you to be gone in the morning."

She stands up and heads towards the door, the car already packed with her and the kids suitcases. Donnie stands up and slaps the papers back onto the plate, "And that's it? We're not even going to discuss this Alison?"

He follows her, almost tripping over his own brief case as she walks quickly out of the door and to the car, she just makes it inside before Donnie's hand is knocking hard on the window, shouting her name,

"This is non-negotiable Donnie!" She says, sticking the key into the ignition and turning until the engine roars to life. 

"Alison! You can't do this!" He says, banging on the car window. 

"I will run you over if you don't get out of the way!" She warns, and just like that she accidentally jerks the car forward, and Donnie is lifted off his feet and knocked to the side, landing on the concrete with a sickening thud. She breaks, and Donnie's laying there on the floor, at the side of their driveway.

A wave of panic overtakes her, he can't be dead from /that/. She can't accidentally have killed another person. She unclips her belt and throws the door open, when she hears a low groan, and sees him try to roll over. Swinging her legs back into the car, she fumbles in the glove compartment for her little pink phone. "911? I need an ambulance, a man is laying unconscious in my friends driveway,"

She learnt her lesson with Ainsley. At least he has more of a chance than she did.

 

***

 

"Mom, what are you doing here?" Oscar asks curiously, when turns up later in the evening.

"We're going to Disneyland!" She exclaims, and smiles anxiously as Oscar and Gemma bop around her, and cry 'are you serious?' excitedly in unison. 

"Is Daddy coming?" Gemma asks, hugging her around the waist, 

"No, no. He's working. It's just us, it'll be fun," she says, helping them grab their clothes and stuffing them wherever there's space. Her mom grabs her by the wrist as the kids make their way out of the door, 

"What are you up too Ali?" She asks, in a mixture of suspicion and worry. Alison smiles softly and gives her a hug, whispering a "Nothing mother," Next to her ear. It's safer if she knows nothing, and for once Alison finally feels in control. Even if it's just a little bit.

 

vii.

 

They're sitting in the airport lounge waiting for their flight, the kids playing on their tablets, when the first call comes through. Donnie, like she expected, but this time she doesn't hesitate and instead just outright blocks his number. 

The next is from Sarah, followed by a text. 'Where r u?' And another identical one from Felix. She waits until they're on the plane, just before they begin to taxi, and sends back a single word: Disneyland.

Sarah calls her immediately, but the flight attendant appears and tells her all cellphones must be switched off now. Alison smiles and obliges, and hits the red button, then switches her phone off entirely. 

She holds Gemma's hand during take off, and when the children are occupied in their seats, she leans back in her chair and closes her eyes.

Reality can wait, for a while.


End file.
